Mother's Day Blues

With Mother's Day nearing, I have been thinking about what to write in this post for awhile. Thinking of what I want to say and how to say it. Things that have been on my mind for so long. So here goes nothing...

Mother's Day has got to be the toughest holiday to get through for me. I have some great women in my life worth celebrating like my grandmothers, my mother in law, aunts, and especially my own mom.      I love each of them individually for all they have done on my behalf and for the examples they are in my life.

For me, Mother's Day is the one day a year I want to shut myself in the house and say let's move it along while waiting for the day to end. Call it wallowing in my own self pity or call it focusing on the negative, but it is the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad. As long it isn't my everyday mood, I think I deserve my own little pity party every once in awhile.

I try to seek comfort in the fact that I'm not alone and have faith that I might endure to the end. I find solace in the scriptures knowing that there are many godly women who have walked the path that I now find myself on. Women like Hannah, Elisabeth, Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel were all women tested in their faith and patience and the Lord healed them according to their faith. I have faith in my heart that the Lord will heal my pain of infertility one way or another and it may not be in a way I expect.

With that being said, there are some things I need from you. I found and article that speaks to a lot of the things I feel on how to talk about infertility. There are some basic etiquette guidelines to follow:

-Don't tell me to relax. Relaxing in and of itself does not make one fertile.
-Please don't minimize my problem and tell me to develop talents or explore new hobbies.
-Don't tell me worse things could happen.
-Please don't tell me that maybe I'm not meant to be a parent. Believe it or not, some people are that
  insensitive.
-Don't ask me why I'm not doing IVF.
-Don't try to be funny with crude jokes. We don't need sex tips, thank you very much.
-Please don't complain about your own pregnancies.
-Don't try to be a biology teacher and assume I'm ignorant about my issues. I know a lot about the
 female reproductive system at this point, believe me.
-Gossiping with others about me and my struggles just isn't nice.
-Don't push adoption (yet).
-Let me know you care.
-Please remember me on Mother's Day.
-If/When the time comes, support my decision to end any treatments.

With all the heartache that childlessness brings, there are many things I am grateful for that have been a result of our struggle with infertility over the last 4 years or so. One of the things I am most grateful for is my relationship with my husband,  I love him dearly. Having celebrated our 5th anniversary a few months ago, I look back at all the good quality time we have been able to share with one another. We have had the opportunity of really getting to know one another and it has strengthened our friendship and deepened our love for one another. We have fun together and enjoy each other's company. We have had the chance to go on some really fun vacations and see different parts of the country and world.  Often I get the comment that Chuck and I seem to go on vacation a lot. Though I don't ever say it at the time, I think "What would you suggest we do with our time off and money?"  We make memories with that time and I would not want to give that up.

So Happy Mother's Day to all those women out there, especially to those who have walked my path and haven't had the opportunity to realize motherhood.  You are a child of our Heavenly Father who loves you with or without children of your own.

National Infertility Week

Today marks the final day of National Infertility Week, this one week every year is dedicated to educating and bringing awareness to infertility throughout America. 1 in 8 couples experience some form of infertility, which means more than 7 million Americans have trouble getting pregnant. We are one of those 8.

To say that out loud in such a blunt, matter of fact manners has been one of my biggest struggles in life. To come to grips with my diagnosis and stand face to face with my adversity is no easy task. It is a pain that so many have no degree of understanding and for me it has been a pain that I have attempted to cover up, ignore, or pretend it just doesn't exist. The "why me" and "what if" questions races through my head over and over. It's been tough to wrap my head around it all and doing nothing was the easiest thing for me to do for a long time.

"Going to a fertility specialist is, on some level, accepting that there is an issue, so many women don't want to do that," says Roshini Rajapaksa, M.D., an internist at NYU Langone Medical Center (known as Dr. Raj) and TODAY show contributor. "But the longer you wait, the lower your chances are of having a successful outcome, even with the best technology."

Read More http://www.ivillage.com/fertility-guide-helps-couples-get-pregnant/6-a-447565#ixzz1tPVIESye s

I read the results of some study on infertility somewhere out there of the internet and one of the questions asked and the most common answer to it struck me. I don't even know where I read it and don't exactly the entire context of the study. But what hit me the hardest was the question "If you knew what you know now, would you have sought medical help sooner (in regards to infertility, pardon my horrible paraphrasing). The answer was overwhelmingly yes and I would certainly lump myself in with those women as well. Dwelling on that question though and going over the "what if's" does me no good now. I need to focus on the future and I need to focus on moving forward, making progress.

With purpose in mind, we are finally moving forward. Where direction had started, then slowed and eventually stopped has now restarted and we are not looking back. Faith in a Heavenly Father who knows me and knows my abilities and capabilities helps me move in a positive direction. I know it won't be easy and I know there will be more heartbreak and heartache along the way but I cannot stop now, I will not stop now.

Do Over

I've decided to start over. It was well over a year ago that I started a blog. I was motivated. I had clear direction and I wanted to let it out to the world. Then road blocks pop up, doors close, and those windows that should then open aren't to be seen. Motivation starts to slow and direction, not so clear anymore. I'm starting from scratch and calling a do-over.

Here we are over a year later and some things have changed and some things remained the same.

I am feeling motivated. I do have a direction, though not always clear, but it's progress. I have hope.

I realize this is all completely vague and you are wondering what is she talking about or is she okay? Hopefully I can keep up blogging and expressing all those deep down feelings that I keep bottled up and use it has a source of healing, helping, and overall strength of spirit. I was never good at keeping a journal, I would start one and keep up for a couple weeks or months if I was lucky. Wish me luck with keeping up with this digital journal, I think I will need it.