Perseverance, do or do not. There is no try.

Today I'm feeling a little down. I haven't had a down day like this in a long time, but I feel like my heart is being squeezed and my mind is racing with what-ifs.

I received some news today that came as a set back on our journey to have a family and I'm taking it a little rough. I knew when we started our current course of action that it wasn't going to be easy or come quick, but as I ponder on the bad news it is hard to remember that.

I keep thinking that there is more I can do, well I know there is more I can do but I don't or haven't yet. I don't understand exactly what is holding me back. Am I complacent and too accepting of the status quo or am I too afraid of failure that I don't even try. It probably is a little bit of both and some more on top of that. One of my biggest problems is that I get too much inside my head. I think to much about things sometimes to the point where I don't sleep well sometimes because my mind is racing with thoughts or ideas.

As I was writing this, I sent a quick email to Chuck about how I was feeling and no more than 15 seconds later I got a call from him while he was at work. Not even enough time for him to see my email. You see when Chuck is at work he doesn't have much time to call me and it's not really appropriate for me to call the prison (unless it is an emergency) so we email each other.  In the four years he has worked at the prison, I think I can count on one hand how many times I have called him. It was good to hear his voice and it helped calm me down a little and become distracted with his stories from the prison, like the officer  who was locked in a cell by an inmate. Nights at home can be lonely sometimes while Chuck is a work and I'm at home so it is good to talk to him or receive a love note via email. It makes me feel special and I know that I'm loved.

So let me wrap up my pity party for now and refocus my thoughts on the positive and remember what I do have to be grateful for which is so vast. A friend of mine received a necklace as a gift that had the quote, "I can do hard things" and I feel like that can apply to me too. I just need to keep looking forward and remember that, although it it can seem to tough to handle, I cannot afford to give up.